TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxury property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Of course, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be huge. Remarkable!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed with the Placing inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the very best. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and fully from put. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A 3-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable drinking water. But Certainly, guaranteed, let's have A further area where by American Males can dress in robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When previous negotiations unsuccessful less than the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is easier: offer you All people a set on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is comfortable electrical power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in each device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It truly is that he really should halt using it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the job, replied, "You know, guy, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Good people. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping types an enormous Trump head noticeable from space, a characteristic currently being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents along with the chin is… properly, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits following locating the creating's gold plating reflected a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not simply unsightly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Puzzling Options


Probably the strangest factor from the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where visitors may ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Nearby Syrians are Not sure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They may Come"


The ad campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Endlessly."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "exactly where's the nearest elevator on the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is already attracting interest from Worldwide traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll invest in three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In line Trump Tower Damascus with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage may even consist of:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space According to the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to find out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a hotel the place my PTSD may have switch-down assistance."


Another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports propose:




  • China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to create a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Remaining Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It essential gold. It essential a waterslide formed much like the Constitution. I gave it all a few. You happen to be welcome."

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